I’m Looking Through You

I’m sitting here in my old house in Montreal in my old room. I haven’t lived here in a long time, since before I was married. There are lots of memories here.

I remember staying up late to watch Phil Hartman and Mike Myers on Saturday Night Live, but in fear of my father knowing I was up late, had the volume so low that watching it made no sense. Yet the feat was something to brag about some 15 years later or so.

I remember rushing home after school to open up my new copy of NBA Jam for SNES. My mom bought it and left it for me before going to work and I played it all weekend…I was  ‘on fire’, while openly neglecting my school work.

I remember reading long novels in my early high school life before I knew about that thing called being cool and having a social persona. Grade 7 and 8 was about getting home from school and the library with a Stephen King or Michael Crichton book and reading it until bed time.

I remember trying to be a suave dude and playing RnB tunes on my 70’s stereo while talking to girls on the phone…oh the days of being 14 with a peach fuzz mustache.

I remember praying a lot…spending moments learning about God…about myself, about my future. All in this peach – coloured (yes, peach…I was 9 when we moved so i didn’t have a say on colour…even the carpet was, and still is peach…), overly packed space called my old room.

I was thinking today while driving with Becca and Ellie about how I wouldn’t recognize that guy if I saw him. I mean it’d be me but it wouldn’t. It wasn’t all great and ‘peachy’, pun horrendously intended. I was and came across to many as proud. I was very angry and needy for attention…among many other things (I can’t help but think that someone has read that rap sheet and thought one of two things, 1) Oh he has no idea how bad he was or 2) you also forgot ___________ and ___________, Chase!). Now I don’t mention that for pity sake at all. You just can’t help but feel somewhat nostalgic, good and bad, when you’re in an older familiar setting, I guess. Many of those things that I lived with have been traded for other things, which is irony at its finest. Instead of pride, esteem fluctuates like the US stock market and instead of anger, it’s laziness. And attention…eek…I don’t mind it but close friends know how much has to be put on at times. No, I don’t think I’d recognize him but at the same time, I don’t think he’d know who I was…or maybe he’d be disappointed.

He wouldn’t be disappointed in the wifey or the baby. I’d get high fives for that. He’d be thankful for the position of service that I’m in. But he say these things…’you didn’t deal with that?’ ‘What happened to the passion, man?’ ‘So…no more rapping??’ ‘so you traded this sin for that one…nice, idiot:)’. ‘When did I become so…lazy??’

He look right through me and see…I don’t know…he’d see me, but not see ME…which is weird because as I sit here beside Becca, who is killing her iPod Touch Christmas gift, in my old room, I don’t recognize me…which tells me two things.

1) To quote John Mayer, ‘I can’t keep running after yesterday’. Who I was and who I am were meant to evolve and change with time, experience, trials, growth and God’s help. There are some things that I shouldn’t have lost BUT at the same time, I shouldn’t try to recreate what was into what is…that’s on some Marty McFly – Back to The Future stuff that is fun in the movies. I need to be accountable for me before I can challenge anyone else in that field.

2) Laziness is the opening to everything else…so don’t be lazy. I can complain about stuff, hate on people and whatever but if I’m not willing to do work, I will fail…and look bad at wasted time. What I pursue shows who I really am…eek…that hits me in the face like a punch to the face.

I don’t know why this is so…melancholy. It wasn’t supposed to be, but alas, this is what came out 🙂  A few weeks ago, I asked the question – are you what you thought you’d be when you were a kid. For me it’s  a double-sided answer…I did but I didn’t think I’d look like this…at least not today…what about you?

…and to think, this all stemmed from a song we heard by The Beatles on the way into Quebec…take a listen below (it’s another YouTube vid, friends),  leave a comment and live your life as God intended…full of promise and potential. Worry about the rest when it comes up 🙂

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One thought on “I’m Looking Through You

  1. Dude, I remember you in high school. Your charisma was evident from the beginning, and I’m so glad you’ve continued to give all that talent to our God! I know he is using you in amazing ways.

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