Ever Have This Feeling…?

Ever walk by or talk to someone you know well and think “They really don’t like me…”?

Or connect with someone and realize they’ve never really known you?

When I was growing up in MTL, I got that a lot. People in my youth group would come up to me after an ‘altar moment’ or Jesus Crisis experience and share with me about how they “didn’t like me when they first met me because I was loud or obnoxious or something else” but now they got to know me and they liked me…or something like that. Now, to their credit, I was louder than I am now, a tad pretentious and obnoxious but the weight of those words stayed. Weird part was and still is this: They never said sorry. They just vented, cleared their conscience and left feeling good about themselves, as if they did a good deed. What they didn’t know then and don’t know till now (if they are readers) is the lowering of self-esteem and fear of relationships that I have to this day.

Those ‘revelations’ effect my marriage, my parenting, my friendships, etc. When someone tells you they don’t like you, if you’re not strong, you change YOU…you know? And if you ARE strong, you become stubborn and prideful. These same people still see as that guy and not THIS guy…urgh. Maybe that’s why I don’t like going home much. Cause of those words and what I might say now…now that I know and have an uncanny way with words and honesty…

The weirdest part is that along with not saying sorry, they thought they were helping me…bad teaching, man.

Why do I write this, besides dealing with repressed memories? Because things like Facebook/Twitter and social media are reminders of it all the time. You see a wall and think, ‘Hey, that person never talks to me beyond this or that…’ or ‘there was a thing that everyone was at except for me?’ It’s the reminder that true friends are like buried treasure, they take a long time to find and when you do, you almost want to hide them again.

On the flip side, because of bad experiences (some brought on myself, others by way of circumstance) , I’ve burned some great bridges and hurt people due to the fear of exposure. Being a pastor doesn’t help either because sometimes you can never be the you YOU are because you are the YOU they expect or demand. I’ve also burned some great bridges because of awkwardness. In the fear of being loud, I say nothing OR too much (I watch too much Michael Scott). It’s even worse on the phone (I actually hyperventilate before calling new people). It really sucks. It’s a weird feeling to know that you don’t have…friends…because of the words of a 16-year-old when you were 16. Or 24-year-old leader (I mean who does that?).

I’m writing this and I KNOW some will read this and not see me in it. They’ll see a cry for attention. I can’t blame them though…this IS a BLOG, right (LOL)? But it’s not. I have some great brothers and sisters who are honest in their blogging. Their names are Ben Wright, Genie Liu and Josh Singh (Josh’s wife Carrie is a stellar honest writer too), and they push me to be honest too. I’ve been dreading this post for 3 months because all I see is me in the youth room and someone telling me about how they didn’t like me.  Living with low self-esteem sucks, doesn’t it. Becca’s right: I should talk to someone at some point 🙂

13 years later and it still hurts. It probably always will. That’s my thorn. And I know what the response will be from my Dad:

My grace is sufficient for you.

Where would I be without that grace?

Unable to be honest with myself and say I really don’t have it together so I NEED that grace. Unable to be…well…me.

P.S. If you have an ISSUE with someone, don’t wait for months or years to bring it up. By then, the person who hurt you has moved on and in your need to be honest, you’re actually hurting them. Doing it like that isn’t helpful. It’s selfish and wrong. Pray and deal with it right away. If they don’t know about it and it’s worth bringing up, do so if it’s going to help them AND you. If they do know, for sure bring it up. But if they don’t know and it’s not a repeat, then forgive and move on. Stop with this clearing conscience crap. It’s not cool.

I’m juss saying…

P.S. and please don’t leave a comment saying sometime dumb. If you have something heartfelt or angry or whatever to share with me email me at cchase@apchurch.com! If its a general thought, leave it on the blog. Just this time, though!

Parenting thoughts, Prayers & The Type of People I Hate

Becca and I have a bad habit.

When we’re out with friends and we have Ellie with us, we tend to say the following words to her when she’s being a handful:

Oh Ellie, I really don’t like you right now!

Obviously it’s a joke (she’s doing nothing more than being a 1 and change year old), so please don’t condemn me, my ‘words of life, words are powerful, you’re tearing down your child’ friends.

But still it’s not cool. Chalk it up to our own experiences, our sometimes ‘lack of maturity’…whatever. Sometimes we blow it. I’m thankful that the friends that we say it in front of are learning too, are non-condemning and know that we’re either just kidding or seriously at our wits end. Still, it’s not the coolest thing…

‘Why am I rambling?’, you’re asking…

Today, we found out that a couple in our fellowship (a.k.a. denomination) lost their 2nd twin in less than two weeks. Long story short, there were complications that caused the mom to go into labour and deliver both kids early and neither child made it. I don’t know the couple well (which destroys the idea of fellowship, doesn’t it? That needs to change…) but my heart broke at the news and still breaks for them as parents (which is what they are).

It put my role as a parent in perspective for Becca and I in regards to how we speak about our daughter. She is our world and we are thankful for her, even on her bad days and we need to constantly remind ourselves of that, especially on her bad days. That doesn’t mean there aren’t going to be days where we ‘don’t enjoy her company‘ and  days where we may talk about that (in mature and immature ways). Yet we need to, at the end of the day, be thankful for who we’ve been given and allowed to teach, love and grow with God’s help. The challenge is to respond to her out of selflessness and not selfishness, which often puts our need for quiet over her crying for attention, our need of 8 hours of sleep over her restlessness and our desire for cleanliness over her…lack of ‘spacial decorum’. I love her. Becca loves her. She is us and for that, we are blessed. Selflessness, even towards someone you’d die for, is still a daily choice.

And for my family, I am working hard to choose it.

P.S. And let me add this: I’m not trying to make their loss about me. I hate when people who do that. That’s the definition of selfish. Yes I said hate. Enemies of Chase are people like that and complainers (urgh). Without giving names, please pray for this family, that they’d find strength, comfort, hope and peace in the arms of Jesus. That’d they know his abounding love and continual healing…I know that your prayers will make a difference in their lives.

Great Message from a Different Voice

I heard this song on the way to Cobourg with my girls and thought it’d be worth sharing with you. The song is written like a story, vivid in its wording with a focus on salvation, strength, responsibilities and guilt.

Simply put, you NEED to listen to the entire song…all 4:42 of it. Can you do that now?

What do you think of the term ‘Bloodline’ used here? The themes of children out-of-wedlock, father roles, perseverance: do they stand out? How so? Did you need to RE-hear it?

If you enjoyed it and it’s message here’s another question. Does knowing this song was written and performed by a homosexual change your view?

 Hopefully it doesn’t but I dunno…

Could it be that an non-believer gets it(the message)  better than some believers do?

Let’s chat…

Summer Project

I’ve taken up a new hobby for the summer.

Gardening.

Well, not really gardening but watering the flowers outside of our home (Becca planted them). They were getting pretty dry and I decided to make it a goal to have the flowers at full force by the end of the summer.

So far so good, though I’m never sure how much to water, how little to water (people say you can drown plants…what???) , etc, etc.

I’ll keep you posted on how it goes. No pics yet…

How’s YOUR summer been?