You Can’t Touch This…

…remember that song? MC Hammer? 1991? Parachute pants? “Duh-nu-nu-nuh Duh-nu Duh-nu…U Can’t Touch This!??

This was my favorite jam back in the day. Grade 5 was killer due to this song and it’s dance (only to be eclipsed in a later grade by 2 Legit 2 Quit).

As I was out for a walk with mi familia this afternoon, I thought up of a list of…untouchables OR things people can’t or shouldn’t touch. Now this is not LOW BROW stuff but rather real things that people should stay away from or at least ASK first. So, here’s my ‘U Can’t Touch This List‘:

  1. Someone’s car stereo or iPod – Chris Tucker said (in a high voice) ‘Don’t ever touch a black man’s stereo, MAAAANNNNE!’ But it’s any person’s music. If you’re in their car, don’t assume that you can. If it’s a long car ride, suggest a playlist, or just put your iPod in. If you really hate their choices…well, you drive next time.
  2. The Brim of someone’s baseball cap – If someone has their cap a certain way, it’s not by accident. If you want to try it on, fight the nerve to fit it to YOUR head. It’s NOT YOUR HAT!!!
  3. Someone’s last nerve – It’s the last one they got. It doesn’t need YOUR prints.
  4. Food on someone’s plate – Gross…simply gross. Especially if it’s with your hands.
  5. Someone’s face (especially if you’ve licked your finger to get something OFF their face) – Why are you touching their face?
  6. Someone’s tie or pocket square – You’re not Heidi Klum or Tim Gunn. If you don’t like their square, let them ‘Not look good to YOUR standards.’ If you grab it, it’s rude. You have no clue what look they are going for. Same for the tie. Plus it looks like a gorilla grooming another one. Not cool.
  7. A person’s parenting skills (unless it is completely UN-legit!) – Just cause you’re good with your kids doesn’t make you the guru of kids. It makes you the guru of YOUR kids. So save your advice for when it’s asked, fair? Not every kid needs a nap when you think it does. Same with being hungry, fussy, teething, etc. Most parents have a handle and feel worse when you say something. You can’t touch this!
  8. Someone’s car (if it’s nicer than yours…) – It’s just sad…
  9. Someone’s baby/Picking up someone’s kid – Why do strangers just touch a baby’s face? Or hands? Or anything? Without even any Purell. They have their face ALL up in the baby’s grill, sharing their Lunch/coffee breath. NOT cool. And if a kid is walking happily, don’t just scoop down and pick them up. And if the kid starts kicking you, put ’em down!
  10. Someone’s computer background – They chose it so leave it. Unless it’s a little prank. But even there…
  11. Someone’s TV remote control (if you’re in THEIR house) – If you hate something they are watching because of artistic differences, go to another room. OR take a magazine and break down every sentence until the show is over. If it’s because of content, simply say something privately…I think…
  12. Someone’s musical instrument…even if know how to play it. – Just cause you’re cool on a guitar, doesn’t mean you can pick up someone’s. And then re-tune it. And fix their strap. Ditto for drums, bass and piano.
  13. Someone’s journal – ARE YOU NUTS???????

Now of course there are exceptions to this rule (based on relationship) but I think this is a fair rule. What am I missing here? What else should people simply NOT TOUCH?