Scene: Chris Chase, mild manner 30 something walks to his mailbox. Upon opening it he sees, through the promotions from gyms and pizza pizza, a letter with a 4D stamp from the “Canadian States of Mexfinland.” Even stranger? It is address to him. Even stranger? It is from himself. With a puzzled look and sense of bewilderment and constipation, he opens the letter…and reads….
Dear 2012 Chris (or me from the past),
I know this is hard to believe but this is me, as in you from the future. This isn’t a gag letter or a chain letter. This is real. How do I know this? Currently you are wearing yellow jeans and a navy blue shirt with a yellow bow tie.
(Chris looks down and he is wearing exactly what was described by himself, but NOT himself…but himself…)
Yeah…told ya. Anyhow, I just wanted to give you a heads up on a few things so you can warn the others. Now, you won’t find any sports scores or cool patents to impliment ahead of your time. This is strickly things for you and whomever you choose to share this with (Ed: which is at the time about 13 people. Thanks for reading). Some will shock you. Others won’t surprise you at all. Either way, i felt it right to send this to you, which was in itself a huge ordeal that cost me 5 lego pieces.
Oh yeah, our currency is lego. If you have the green grass pieces, you’re making it rain. Except for anywhere. Making it Rain is illegal. Diddy and those crappy southern rappers did it one too many times and someone got a massive paper cut. Two episodes of Maury later (He’s still alive, BTW), Making it rain is dead.
So anyhow, here are some important facts:
- You were right about LeBron James being on HGH. Doesn’t matter though since he became the chancellor of Paraguay. Say something bad about Sir Bron and its Hunger Games for you. And they ain’t like the movies. No odds. No favor.
- Remember in ‘The Lorax’ when all the trees were gone and they had fake ones? That hasn’t happened but The Lorax is actually real. And owns a bakery. And half of Apple.
- Golf is now played with two balls. One is explosive. Makes it really hard now to win.
- We found out who let the dogs out. He’s dead now. Not cause we killed but simply due to old age.
- Due to the treaty of Verswag, all hipsters are arrested for not trying at anything at all.
- We’ve gone back to baggy jeans. However, we’ve kept the skinny shirts. Let’s just say it’s really ugly and most weddings are shameful displays of fashion gone wrong.
- Justin Bieber did NOT age well. Wow.
- Taylor Swift is still surprised when she wins stuff. Only because she has the forgettums now.
- Becca is still your best friend. She is also part owner of your least favorite sports team that hasn’t been invented yet.
- No one uses Facebook. Instead they do this thing where…how do I say…they leave their homes and spend time together…it was hard at first but we’re getting the hang of it.
- Conan finally got his show back. Then lost it again. He’s so trusting. It was the 4th time.
- People still say bro. No one says bud.
- Ellie and Liam are good. You’ll be proud of them both.
- There STILL aren’t any hoverboards. Back to the Future 2 was so inacurate. Sorry I meant inaccurate. I misspelt it when I blinked and moved my eye keyboard.
- People still fight over selfishness, hurt each other and the like. But we are quicker to forgive and help each other. People’s prayers did get answered.
- Reality TV has been replaced by live plays being put on in your home. You actually rent actors. I watch one show a month due to high demand.
- The fear of God is still the beginning of wisdom.
Well, that’s about it bro. I must send this quickly before President Snooki and her information guard come for me. Yeah…that Snooki. She got bit by Peter Parker’s spider. Now she runs the clubs. The chess club, art club, french club and the regular dance club.
P.S. Oh yeah, you’re going to lose your keys in like ten minutes. But don’t worry! I figure out a way finally to never lose them. I just keep them ov– wait…Dang! Becca bro, where are my keys.